A quick search brings back some staggering estimates of the cost of avoiding difficult conversations – cost calculations include dollars lost due to lost productivity, stress induced health costs, resignations and cost of hiring and legal and investigation and PR costs to handle the impact when a conversation doesn’t occur. So, if we agree that avoiding difficult conversations is costly, why do we keep avoiding them? For many, there is an element of safety – either physical or psychological at play. If you don’t feel safe to bring up a topic – you probably won’t. Thing is, we don’t just avoid those “dangerous” conversations – we also avoid those conversation that we just think are going to be emotionally difficult either for us, our conversation partner or both.
I believe it is the attempt to avoid emotional difficulty and the uncomfortable conversation that follows that leads us to avoiding conversations, but in reality if I am honest, not having those conversations just prolonged a different kind of pain that eventually came to the fore anyway. I’ve put together a model for thinking about these conversations that can give you some structure as you prepare for a meeting like this. Think about these conversations as LITE. Language, Intention, Timing and Emotion/Ego check.
Language – using “I” centered language – “I was impacted by, or I felt…” Don’t blame a mysterious crowd “we” or “they” – take ownership of your part of the issue and use “I” centered language to talk about the behavior that is leading to this conversation in terms of what the behavior was (without judgement or assignment of motive) how it made you feel and what the consequences of the behavior continuing might be. (I took this framework from Simon Sinek and research he and his team have done). Also remember that “clear is kind, unclear is unkind” (taken from Brene Brown’s work). Mudding your language to squirm out of giving tough feedback just makes it harder for your listener to understand what it is you want.
Intention – first define for yourself, what is the intention of having this conversation? What is an ideal outcome? What part do you need to play in getting to the outcome? Think about sharing that intention with your conversation partner – maybe even thinking of this person you need to have a difficult conversation with as a conversation partner is a big step – but if you can think about yourselves as a team that needs to solve a problem – you may find a more elegant solution than you initially thought possible. While it is easy to make assumptions and be judgmental of another’s behavior, these conversations go better when you can reserve judgement and assumptions and approach them with curiosity. This is where setting intention helps focus you on a result, rather than just sharing your point of view.
Timing – to be effective with the difficult conversation requires a balance between having the conversation as close to the event that precipitated the need for the conversation but after initial emotions have subsided. You don’t want to initiate the conversation when you are angry nor when your conversation partner is anger or having and intense emotional reaction. You also don’t want to initiate these conversations where they can be easily overheard by others, so you may need to find time when you can pull someone aside to have the conversation in private. If possible, you also want to time the conversation when you can have a face-to-face conversation – or if face-to-face is not possible – video chat or at least a phone call. I do not recommend trying to share difficult information via email or text because too much is missing in the communication, tone, pace, and other verbal cues. In addition, in written only communication, you can’t clarify, ask for more detail or hear initial responses.
Ego/Emotional Check – here you want to think about where you might get triggered and working on desensitizing your own triggers during the conversation. We refer to these as difficult conversations because often you are telling someone something that they may not want to hear. Be prepared that they may have an emotional reaction to your feedback. While you may not agree with the reaction they have, a way to de-escalate and be a good conversational partner is to acknowledge and validate their feelings. This means saying things like – you seem upset/frustrated/angry about this. That is understandable. Acknowledging the reaction they are having (frustration, anger, guilt) can be powerful and then moving to validating- it is understandable that you would feel that way. Helping acknowledge and validate feelings allows your partner in conversation to process how they are feeling (or correct your observation of the feeling) and can build trust in the relationship.
Do you need help having difficult conversations? I’m happy to share more tips. Email me at nikki@ridgelinecoaching.com for more information.
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